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| Baby VW makes three! |
We are SO excited to be welcoming this new little miracle into our family this December. It will be an extra special surprise because we will not be finding out the sex of this baby. :) We have a few loyal supporters of this decision and quite a few hacked off people that will remain nameless. (Meghan and Erika) :)
This may end up being a lengthy post, but I wanted to tell my personal story into motherhood. I've thought a lot about whether or not to share this, but I think it's important. Why? To reach others who may be experiencing the same hurt or loss that I did. To offer hope. To show Christ's grace.
My story:
Pretty soon after Mark and I got married (1 1/2 years), I wanted to have a baby. I really wanted to have a baby. It actually surprised me how strong my feelings were towards the whole matter. Mark and I always knew we wanted to have kids, but I had always said I wanted to wait about 4 or 5 years. So why was I having such strong feelings? There is no way to really describe it. It comes from within, I believe from God. It is the way a woman is made. I couldn't even explain it to Mark. I just said, "I want to have a baby." And he said, "Really? Right now? Uh...okay!" When you make the decision to have a baby, it is very exciting and little scary too. We asked ourselves several times if we were sure about this. We started trying, and I, being naive, was very surprised and disappointed that we did not become pregnant after our first month. So, of course, I began researching what's a "normal" length of time it can take to get pregnant. My research told me that up to a year was a perfectly normal amount of time to conceive. A year?! That won't be us. At least we have a year to try until we are not "normal".
The next year consisted of many ovulation test kits, temperature readings, sex, negative pregnancy tests (close to 50 probably), and two very frustrated people. In hindsight, I was too aggressive and uptight about the whole situation. I had tunnel vision. Get pregnant. That was it. My poor husband encouraged me, loved on me, prayed with me, let me cry on him... and was ALWAYS hopeful. He couldn't relate though to my intense desire to have a baby. He wanted one too, but it just wasn't the same as what I was experiencing. This was a difficult time for us.
At the end of our first year of trying, my ob/gyn put me on an ovulatory stimulant called Clomid. It's purpose is to induce ovulation (egg production) in women who do not produce ova (eggs) but wish to become pregnant (infertility). It is a pill that is taken daily, and you are also required to have blood taken every month to test for ovulation. I was so excited to finally be getting some kind of help. This had to work! This was the answer! Six long months later, we still were not pregnant. My long drawn out sob sessions included questions like, "What is wrong with me? What have I done wrong? Why do I want a baby so bad if I can't have one? How come everyone else can get pregnant so easily?" They were no answers to those questions.
After our six rounds with Clomid, my ob/gyn said this was the place in the road where she could no longer help us. She referred us to several fertility specialists, and after my mother-in-law did some research for us, we chose the Center for Assisted Reproduction. It was a very scary and humbling experience to call for an appointment and then show up for the appointment. As you walk up the sidewalk, the first thing that catches you eye is the sign on the front door: No children permitted. Hmmm.. that seemed a bit harsh at first, but then I walked in and saw the entire waiting area full of men and women just like us. They all wanted what we wanted. They all needed help just like us. They were anxious too. I was so overwhelmed by God's love at that moment because I knew He wasn't punishing me for something. This was life. This was a hardship that thousands of people, other that me, were dealing with. I wasn't alone. He loved us all and wanted what was best for us. It was a huge stepping stone for me. The place was amazing. It had so many rooms with state of the art equipment, a media room for training, conference rooms, sterile labs, and in vitro lab, and more. Wow. We met our doctor, who was fierce and amazing, and she immediately said she wanted to start with an exam and sonogram to see what she was dealing with. Seconds into the exam, she stated that she saw an endometrioma on my left ovary. An endometrioma is a mass of tissue (noncancerous cyst or tumor) that contains shreds of endometrial tissue. She told me I had endometriosis, and she could treat it using a surgical procedure called laparoscopy. During this procedure, she would cut or burn away endometrial lesions. We went home and prayed, and knew we wanted to do the surgery. We went back for another consultation as to what are treatment would look like post surgery. Our doctor felt like our best option would be a drug called Follistim and a procedure called IUI. In a nutshell, it was a daily injection (given by my stud RN) followed by insemination at the exact right time. I drove to the CFAR many many times for blood tests, sonograms, and more. This treatment was very expensive, and I remember crying not knowing how we would ever afford it. God is gracious and faithful, and through the generous donation of a very special person, we were going to be able to do a treatment after my surgery.
My surgery went great, no complications, and the following month, I began my treatment. Nightly shots in the belly. Sounds fun, huh? I know some people may be wondering, when is enough enough? I don't know. I think it's different for everyone. It was something that I needed to try, for us. At the end of our first treatment, including shots and insemination, I went in for a pregnancy blood test. They called me that afternoon to tell me it was negative. Stunned. Disbelief. Anger. Tears. Sadness. Hurt. I laid on the couch that night numb to everything around me. There were no words. Mark laid by me with his arms around me, and we were silent. There was nothing to say that hadn't already been said. There were prayers spoken in our hearts. Lots of prayers.
God is a compassionate and loving God. He already knows what your entire life looks like. He already knew that we would receive another generous donation for a second treatment, and that at the end of that treatment after a blood test, on a December afternoon, I would receive a phone call in the car from my doctor telling me I was p.r.e.g.n.a.n.t. God knows. God hears. God cares. God loves.
I was in a daze. I drove around aimlessly not knowing what I was doing. I called the doctor back to make sure she had called the right person. I called Mark sobbing. We gave thanks. I went and made this poster to tell our family.
9 months later, she was born...
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| Bella Kathryn |
"But I trust in your unfailing love, My heart rejoices in your salvation, I will sing to the Lord, For He has been good to me." Psalm 13:5-6
I was a mother. Finally. It was and still is the most wonderful privilege to be her mother. I love her so much, and she teaches and stretches me everyday.
After we had Bella, we knew we wanted more children but had no idea what that might involve. Another surgery? More treatments? We decided we would not prevent pregnancy in hopes that we could get pregnant naturally, without more treatments. 18 months later, I took and read my first positive home pregnancy test (after approx. 100 neg. ones). We were elated and in awe of God's grace. We didn't deserve this gift. What an extraordinary blessing to have another child! We welcomed...
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Jack Anson meaning "God is gracious" |
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you." Jeremiah 29:11-12
We were a very blessed family. And we knew who to thank.
And we know who to thank again for our sweet and special third child. Who came to us very quickly and who we know we are so blessed to have. Thank you Jesus for caring, loving, knowing, listening. Thank you for your faithfulness and your grace. And thank you for all the women who are able to get pregnant easily. Thank for all the children in this world. They are all your children and amazing miracles!
I wrote my story to offer hope to others. We all face trials that are very difficult. The message is still the same. God hears. God knows. I will never take for granted being a mother or carrying a child. I know women who faced infertility longer than I did and who are still facing it. If you know someone who is (or has experienced the loss of a child) reach out. I know it may be awkward because you may not know what to say, but I can't tell you enough how much words of encouragement lifted my spirits when I was down. I received so many letters during those two years, and I saved every single one of them. They mean so much to me. I remember texts of, "I'm praying for you." Simple but meaningful. My family and friends were so faithful with their prayers during this time, and I will always remember that.
I close with this... I am so thankful God allowed me to go through this experience. As raw as the memories still are (I cried through this entire post), I would never want my journey any different. It has shaped me, given me compassion, strengthened me, and changed me.
"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned to be content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:12, 19
